Do you ever get the feeling you don’t know what is really going on? Like Rip Van Winkle, I feel like I have been asleep for 20 years and have awakened to discover that my reality has been altered. Maybe I have always been asleep…maybe I still am; but I can recall an event 20 years ago when I started going to church and I felt like I had found “truth” and truth woke me up. But did it? It feels like my respite was only a minute and I moved from one mode of slumber to another, possibly something darker. In the later dream-state like the former I feel like something sinister is pulling puppet strings and only the characters faces have been altered.
When I accepted Jesus as Lord the crowd I ran with handed me a manual but it wasn’t the Bible. It looked like a Bible but it was interpreted for me with footnotes that held the agenda of that particular “in crowd”. Then I went to college and there I was given a different Bible with different footnotes but the principles were the same; I am dumb, weak, and incapable of true understanding so if I stick to their rules I will somehow get a trophy handed to me in heaven. I was taught to repeat after them phrases and cliché’s that after awhile all sound bromide. I was told who the good guys were (us) and who the bad guys are (them) and it was all very black and white and tidy.
Funny how similar my work life reminds me of my religious life. There too, I have a manual that looks like a Bible and has footnotes so I know when to bow and laugh and brown nose; it is all very nice. The world system is set up so that we either fail, sacrifice our integrity or we choose to face a much darker end, one in which we don’t recant and they burn us at the stake of public opinion. The true individual with an untamed “I” is always despised because it reflects back at the world its lack of realism.
That is all broken now. I realize it was the same puppet master pulling the strings. I was duped and I am angry. Angry at myself for letting this happen. Angry, that I am thirty-seven years old and still a stranger to myself. Angry that those who reach for power with good intentions are always lying to themselves and us about how corrupted they are. That the processes that are needed to find your true-self are called pride and heresy by the religious establishment for no other reason but to control and manipulate the masses. I am angry at the masses for willingly choosing to be controlled just so they don’t have to think or become real. I am angry that I have chosen the way of control and I am one of the biggest offenders of this lie. I am angry that in the name of altruism so many have been trampled so that we can feel superior.
Now what? The pious, atheist, agnostics and apathist are all the same. A third are pure evil, a third are disillusioned and the other third are still journeying on. I am not sure which group I am in. All I know is when this reality hit me the impact could not even register on a seismographic scale. I have nothing else to offer on this subject. I trust so very few. I am sure the Trinity exists and what they have said about themselves is true but I am aware that I don’t even understand what I just wrote about them fully. I see as though through a mirror and a funhouse mirror at that. Right now, I feel like I don’t know how to get a hold of them anymore not because they won’t answer, I just don’t trust myself to know their number. I haven’t used scripture throughout this little diatribe, not because I don’t believe in it anymore but because I don’t trust myself to use it in such a way that I won’t manipulate you with it for my own self-centeredness.
Why am writing this? I think I needed to write a letter of resignation. I quite. I don’t want to rule the world anymore. I don’t want to be associated with organizations or movements that want to either. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused. I am sorry I don’t have any answers for anyone. I am just….sorry.
6 comments:
I understand the feeling Shane, but what now?
How do we respond to truth? How do we respond to God's love? Giving up cannot be the answer, can it?
Wow Shane- not really sure what to think. When Steve and I got to know the Shornock family we instantly fell in love with you guys... You have so much to offer people, so much energy, you and Amy are or were so alive! We loved it! Now I am not sure I completely understand your blog... But what I think I am hearing is you are confused... But honestly Shane- who isn't? Life is confusing... God is confusing.., but he doesn't ask us to understand him... He asks us to trust him- to have faith in him... And to love others... I don't think all organizations are "bad" ... I am not saying this to bash owatonna.... But have you thought about expanding out of there? In our experience... Some places just don't get it but people there are willing to just deal with it. You and Amy are not one of those people.,, if you don't like something- change it! You can do it!!! You guys are so strong.. And if not for you - do it for your kids! We love you guys so much.... I am praying for you Shane!
"Amen, brother . . ."
Thanks for being brave and open and not trying to tie everything up neatly when you're not ready to. Oh how i can relate. I've been on a very similar journey and it often feels like I'm just now joining the human race.
Shane - Thanks for great reflections of what it's like to be HUMAN! (as contrasted to "Super-Godly-Ameri-Patrio-Conserva-Repuli-Christian-Religionist") Your thoughts really betray how far we (American Religionists) are, from authentic living and from even entertaining the notion of a truly personal God and a fellowship of followers who are real with each other. Richard Halverson said "In the beginning the church was a fellowship of men and women centering on the living Christ. Then the church moved to Greece where it became a philosophy. Then it moved to Rome where it became an institution. Next, it moved to Europe, where it became a culture. And, finally it moved to America where it became an enterprise."
"For years my allegiance was to good moral habits and churchy routines. Consequently, thinking that I was building a bridge to God, I instead erected a wall between myself and God and wound up living an illusion that this constitutes a relationship with God. What I couldn't imagine is the truth that God's sole interest is our hearts, not our trivial expressions of reverence and respectability." - Fil Anderson
While on earth, Jesus consistently attracted the irreligious while insulting the Bible-believing, religious people. Some things never change, do they?
I really resonate with Fil Anderson, when he says "After years of being ripped apart by the competing demands of my life as a religious professional, the cheese was sliding off my cracker. My lifestyle had made me sick. I had been deluded about myself for so long that dishonesty was not only acceptable but a necessary way of life. I knew that either a breakdown or a breakthrough was imminent."
Thanks again for declaring yourself so honestly and openly. Larry Tindall
I AM A TIRED RELIGIONIST – 5/27/10
Larry Tindall
(Adapted from “I Am A Tired Fundamentalist” originally by same author - 6/15/94)
I am a tired Religionist. . .
Tired of seeing a simple historical list of religious doctrines expanded to an encyclopedia of traditions, rules and preferences
Tired of hearing sermons intended to convince me toward someone’s opinions about Scripture instead of providing me with an expose of Scripture
Tired of the relentless abuse of the term “Christian” as if it has inextricable connection to Jesus, the Messiah
Tired of hearing the term “independent” used to imply that we are not bound by anyone’s thinking, while all the while insisting that everyone think just like we do
Tired of submitting the moving of God’s Spirit in my life to the will of organizational leaders and peers who are not sensitive to that moving
Tired of seeing sincere but confused people searching for answers by running from one leader to another and not being guided to find rest in a truly loving God and to delight in the world He has given us
Tired of being judged, on God’s behalf, by standards which He never gave
Tired:
. . . of frequent reminders of what’s wrong with little encouragement in what’s right
. . . of being measured by what I do rather than who I am
. . . of rules being equated with truth
. . . of principles being substituted for life
. . . of being accepted only when I “measure up”
I am a tired Religionist. I am tired of feeling for God that a portion of His people have reduced the author of life to a set of rules about life . . . that He has become for them simply a reference point by which to “compare themselves among themselves. . . “
I am tired of using HIS precious time and energies to defend HIS word to “HIS people”
I am tired. I long to be understood and to understand . . . to bask in the refreshment of people in love with Him . . . to be a contributor rather than a defender . . . I want to be His child, not His politician.
He loved me … humbled himself … and then died … for me.
Resigning from religion - I want to know HIM.
As much as I agree with the sediment of your comment sir, I need to admit that is a very sad understanding of religion. The word itself is based on the word for reverence, or to bind in devotional worship. Creating a false dichotomy between authentic faith in Christ and religion is not only unnecessary but it is not practical. Sure people can "participate" in religion without having an authentic faith, but that is not the fault of religion rather the individual. This happens regardless of the ecclesiological background of the individual.
I am very interested in reading more of Richard Halverson. He seems to have no understanding of patristics. In all respect sir, the faith of those early believers, that we now slam, was inspiring enough to move the entire world with the blood of their martyrdom. Those leaders and thinkers had a very authentic faith.
Also, Christ did not attack the bible believers. Joseph of Aramethia (SP) and Nicodemus were followers of Christ and still pharisees. Christ condemned the hypocritical fundamentalism of the Pharisees. He never tells them they are without authority. (Matt 23 is a great example of this.)They knew the law, but did not let the law change them and prepare them to be Lovers of God.
Post a Comment