Do you ever get the feeling you don’t know what is really going on? Like Rip Van Winkle, I feel like I have been asleep for 20 years and have awakened to discover that my reality has been altered. Maybe I have always been asleep…maybe I still am; but I can recall an event 20 years ago when I started going to church and I felt like I had found “truth” and truth woke me up. But did it? It feels like my respite was only a minute and I moved from one mode of slumber to another, possibly something darker. In the later dream-state like the former I feel like something sinister is pulling puppet strings and only the characters faces have been altered.
When I accepted Jesus as Lord the crowd I ran with handed me a manual but it wasn’t the Bible. It looked like a Bible but it was interpreted for me with footnotes that held the agenda of that particular “in crowd”. Then I went to college and there I was given a different Bible with different footnotes but the principles were the same; I am dumb, weak, and incapable of true understanding so if I stick to their rules I will somehow get a trophy handed to me in heaven. I was taught to repeat after them phrases and cliché’s that after awhile all sound bromide. I was told who the good guys were (us) and who the bad guys are (them) and it was all very black and white and tidy.
Funny how similar my work life reminds me of my religious life. There too, I have a manual that looks like a Bible and has footnotes so I know when to bow and laugh and brown nose; it is all very nice. The world system is set up so that we either fail, sacrifice our integrity or we choose to face a much darker end, one in which we don’t recant and they burn us at the stake of public opinion. The true individual with an untamed “I” is always despised because it reflects back at the world its lack of realism.
That is all broken now. I realize it was the same puppet master pulling the strings. I was duped and I am angry. Angry at myself for letting this happen. Angry, that I am thirty-seven years old and still a stranger to myself. Angry that those who reach for power with good intentions are always lying to themselves and us about how corrupted they are. That the processes that are needed to find your true-self are called pride and heresy by the religious establishment for no other reason but to control and manipulate the masses. I am angry at the masses for willingly choosing to be controlled just so they don’t have to think or become real. I am angry that I have chosen the way of control and I am one of the biggest offenders of this lie. I am angry that in the name of altruism so many have been trampled so that we can feel superior.
Now what? The pious, atheist, agnostics and apathist are all the same. A third are pure evil, a third are disillusioned and the other third are still journeying on. I am not sure which group I am in. All I know is when this reality hit me the impact could not even register on a seismographic scale. I have nothing else to offer on this subject. I trust so very few. I am sure the Trinity exists and what they have said about themselves is true but I am aware that I don’t even understand what I just wrote about them fully. I see as though through a mirror and a funhouse mirror at that. Right now, I feel like I don’t know how to get a hold of them anymore not because they won’t answer, I just don’t trust myself to know their number. I haven’t used scripture throughout this little diatribe, not because I don’t believe in it anymore but because I don’t trust myself to use it in such a way that I won’t manipulate you with it for my own self-centeredness.
Why am writing this? I think I needed to write a letter of resignation. I quite. I don’t want to rule the world anymore. I don’t want to be associated with organizations or movements that want to either. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused. I am sorry I don’t have any answers for anyone. I am just….sorry.
